Hey all you cool people who read this blog! What’s up?
I haven’t written a blog post all week. Say what?!? Honestly, I haven’t felt the need to vent, or expound on depression, or stuff about relationships, or much of anything. Plus, if I’m honest, I was probably checking the blog stats just as much if not more than I was checking Facebook, and that’s not really why I blog. I don’t blog to get followers, although they’re nice (hi followers!), or to make money (which would be super nice, but not happening yet), I blog usually when God puts a topic in my mind to write about. I told my mentor that I wasn’t feeling the compulsion to write anything much this week and she was like “that’s okay, take a week off.”
But now I feel like an update would be a good thing. As you may have surmised from the title, I’ve been feeling pretty good. The medication’s working! Hooray! The doctor said I should think I’m feeling better within two weeks, and know I’m feeling better within four weeks. It’s been two weeks and I already feel so much better than I have in at least seven weeks, if not seven months. My last down down day was Sunday. Monday I had therapy and my therapist was super proud of me. She said “I haven’t had to say much of anything this session – you say something I would have a response to, but then you just go ahead and say what I’m thinking.” She thinks I’d be a good therapist. Maybe someday. Tuesday: I forget, which probably means it wasn’t too bad. Wednesday: I was anxious. I had a decision to make and everything was just overwhelming and scary. Like I had to work up my nerve to go talk to my boss about something I knew wouldn’t be a problem. EVERYTHING took an inordinate amount of courage and mental pep talks. But I did receive an unexpected gift that blessed me and made me cry (right at the front desk in the library! I wish that was the first time that has happened…). Also on Wednesday I did something scary that I believe God told me to do (so Satan probably didn’t want me to do it) and I was so incredibly blessed because of it. I met with somebody that God told me to meet with and I left that meeting very encouraged, uplifted, and feeling like I was on top of the world. Thursday: I was irritable. I figured out by supper time that I was probably hangry, because I didn’t pack a big enough lunch. But still, prayers were answered on Thursday despite my mood. Today started with a phone call that really wasn’t that early, but got me out of bed anyway. (What? Friday is my day to sleep in.) So I’m frantically running upstairs (we don’t get cell reception in my basement bedroom) in my pajamas, saying “hello! Hello?!” into my call-dropping phone. It was alright, I called back, and possible good things are happening as a result of that phone call, even if it was at 8:30 a.m. Then I had another meeting I was slightly apprehensive about and it went wonderfully. Yet another meeting this week that left me encouraged. Then I did something nice for my mentor, which made me feel good too, and I was ruminating about all the good days lately on my way home.
I don’t fear tomorrow anymore. Yeah, I know I might go down, but I’m not afraid to make plans to do things even if I do go down. Down isn’t nearly as low as it used to be. I’m looking forward to what we have planned for tomorrow, and Sunday, and for what next week holds. It’s going to be good.
Sure, there are still moments, like Wednesday and Thursday, where I was not happy per se, but I wasn’t depressed either. I am getting much better at recognizing depressive thoughts vs. anxious thoughts vs. annoyed thoughts.
God is still very much working – like sending me just the right song on Wednesday, when I was on my way to my meeting and it looked like a bad storm was rolling in (thunderstorms scare me – sometimes tornadoes come from them!). As I nervously watched the clouds I heard this:
Christ alone; cornerstone
Weak made strong; in the Savior’s love
Through the storm, He is Lord
Lord of all (Cornerstone by Hillsong Chapel)
God’s convicted me of failings and sins this week – I have been asking God to search me everyday and point them out, after all. I read this article from FamilyLife and realized I was guilty of that in my relationship with Trent. I apologized and asked his forgiveness and he graciously forgave me. I have seen evidence of God working in Trent’s life too, which makes me rejoice. I have heard how stuff I’ve written on here has touched people’s lives in ways I would have never expected, and realized how sharing struggles connects people.
There are still struggles. My grandma, whom I love dearly, is not in the greatest health right now. She is 96, and we have been so blessed to have her with us for so long. She is my sole surviving grandparent and we have become very close. We have been through many health scares with her in the past two years, but this time the doctors are saying it might not be very long, depending on how hard she fights. I know, she’s 96, she could slip away at any time and I know she’s going to see Jesus and my grandpa, but still, the thought of losing her hurts.
I have had some conflicts in some relationships which is not fun. I don’t like being at odds with people. Week before last I was convicted that I needed to repair some relationships, and although it wasn’t easy, I did, and that feeling of restoration was incredible. It made me be like “alright! Who else do I need to ask forgiveness of? Let’s fix things with everybody!” But not everything is fixed so easily, and I’m just not sure how to make things right in this situation.
I’m still trusting God for my daily bread. That was scary the first half of the week, but I feel a peace about my finances now. No, things haven’t gotten better, but God will provide.
And that’s been the majority of my week! How has your week been?
P.S. Wanna see my next project? My brother asked me to make him a quilt, and he picked this one:
Totally awesome, right!?! It’s a Bargello pattern, and I’m very excited about this challenge, but so far the most challenging part has just been finding fabric! I need 20 slightly different colors in the same pattern/style and I’m not finding it anywhere. Do you know of a fabric line that would have 17 different shades ranging from white to black with three corresponding red fabrics? I feel like I should offer a reward to whoever can find something. Looking around my desk I see a handful of Hershey’s Kisses I won in a poker game at a wedding and a packet of gum with one stick left. Whoever gives me the name of a fabric line first that meets the criteria gets it all! With incentives like that I can just imagine the responses pouring in! Thank you, in advance 🙂