Disclaimer: I didn’t really want to write this. I wrote part of it this morning, sent it to my mentor for proofing, she said “I love your honesty…” and I was like, so publish or not? That led to a whole long conversation, which is included below.
If you’ve followed this blog for any length of time, you know that I was friends with a guy, then dating the guy, then engaged to the guy, then disengaged from the guy, then broken up with the guy, then unfriends with the guy. Like over the course of the last seven years, that’s been my relational bell curve. It’s been three months since the last phone call, and 21 days since the last communication at all with him.
This isn’t an “I can’t get him off my mind!” post. I can and do. I think about a LOT of other stuff – my family, my new job, my old job, my dying grandmother, how I’m not depressed much anymore, my health (I found a lump, but my healthcare provider said it was just a clogged lymph node, still, that was a bit of a scare), the book I’m writing, the next book I’m going to write (this list is not in order of priority, fyi), etc., etc., etc. All that to say, he’s actually not on my conscious mind much anymore.
He’s in my dreams.
To an annoying extent, actually.
I don’t remember my dreams often. I know I dream, but most of the time I don’t rouse from unconsciousness enough during or right after them to remember what images my subconscious is suggesting to my slumbering brain. Every night last week, I think, or it may have been the week before (honestly, they’re just flying by anymore) I dreamed about him. Two nights this week, I’ve dreamed about him.
What do you think? Is my subconscious still working out emotions and feelings about him? Are they just dreams? Or is something else going on?
My prayer life has been stuffy lately. I still ask God to put His thoughts in my mind, His words in my mouth, and His desires in my heart. I tell Him I’m His, to do with as He will. That’s a daily, sincere prayer. I wake up, greet God, pray that prayer, and then ask God what He wants to talk about. Lately, I’ve just been falling back asleep. I feel like God isn’t interested in talking (which is a lie – God always wants to talk to His people). But maybe what I’ve been talking about isn’t what He wants me to be talking about. Maybe I’ve been praying the wrong thing.
I’ve been asking Him to work in my heart, to prepare me for whoever He has for me next, and to prepare whoever He has for me next’s heart for me. I still pray for my ex once in a while. I ask God to work in his heart, and to work in his ex-wife’s heart. I’m asking God to put them back together (after much changing has happened – I don’t want the way it was to be the way it would be again, and I have a feeling God wouldn’t want it that way either). I told God that he and I getting back together is impossible, especially with the changes in my life. I don’t let myself hope that way; that is over, finished, the end. I am excited about moving on, developing new relationships, discovering what and who God has for me next.
I feel the dreams are holding me back. After yesterday’s dream, in which my heart was hard towards him, I woke up and peace was the initial feeling. Peace was quickly replaced with confusion and a very unsettled feeling that lasted the entire day – I don’t want to think about him anymore but these dreams keep putting him into my mind. I tried to shove those feelings at God, saying “God, you deal with this, because I can’t figure it out. I want Your peace and discernment. I’ll trade you for them.” No dice. It was like God said “talk to the hand.”
This morning I laid in bed and wrestled with God. I don’t want my prayer life to be stuffy. I want to hear His voice like I used to, to feel His approval, to see Him work and move in my life like He has been. I first asked Him to search my heart and show me where I was going wrong. I prayed for Trent and his ex-wife. Stuffy. I prayed for me and whoever God has next for me. Muffled. I prayed for an eligible guy at church that I know is interested in me. Stifling. Like I couldn’t even get this guy’s name out without hesitation and stammering. Praying for anything and everything else was fine – my family, my grandmother, my new job, my old job, my mentor – everything else felt clear and heard. Finally I returned to heart matters. I have prayed all along for God’s will to be known and done. I say “God, whatever you want.” and I completely mean it.
My mentor has always said: “Pray the prayer that God has given you until it is answered or until He gives you different prayer.” I think the problem of my stuffy prayer life doesn’t lie with God. It lies with me, with my heart that has become hard and that even though I know God can do impossible things, I don’t want Him to. That’s not God’s problem. That’s mine.
If I’m praying and wanting God’s will to be done in my life but I’m telling God “nope, just not that” then I’m not really praying for God’s will to be done. You can’t put limits on God. I’ve been doing that lately, something I didn’t really realize until today, when my mentor and I had this conversation:
Even after all that, I was still unsettled. Until I got an email from my mentor:
Now…praying for Trent seems….pointless. You have realized that you WILL make it, you CAN survive and in fact you are starting to THRIVE without Trent. Namely, because you have once again begun to rely on HIM (and not Trent). I keep thinking about your statement that you’re praying for Trent and his ex-wife to change inwardly, reconcile their marriage, and once again become a family. You would move on trusting that God would bring you even someone better than Trent. But I still go back to those early conversations…You pray until God gives you something else to pray for or He answers your prayer.
As I see it, you’re faced with a few choices. 1. Keep praying that God will move in Trent’s life and the two of you will get back together (that was your original prayer, right?) 2. you pray that God’s will become primary in your life – with or without Trent. 3. You pray that Trent and his ex-wife will reconcile and that God will give you someone else. (Please don’t pick [the guy at church who is interested in you]… 🙂 )
Am I missing anything? I just couldn’t write all of that through messenger…
I’m leaning towards option #2.
I had a little talk with God about it all this afternoon (He’s talking to me again!!!!!)
Me: God, you know this is crazy, right? People are going to think I’m crazy for continuing to love and hope for someone who has made it very clear that he does not love me or want me at all. I mean, his last message to me said “I have loved you and I still do, but more as a sister in Christ.” If that’s not a polite ‘Christian’ dismissal and rejection, I don’t know what is.
God: Hmm, I think people are going to look at you and say ‘wow, that must be the kind of love I have for them, the kind that just won’t give up.’
Me: It’s still crazy. I’m going to seem like a crazy ex stalker who can’t move on and get over him.
God: Just like I can’t get over you. Are you stalking him?
Me: Not really. I pretend he doesn’t exist on Facebook (although I haven’t unfollowed or unfriended him yet). And I’m still not going to talk to him.
God: Then you’re not stalking him. See? Not as crazy as you thought!
Me: Thanks for that reassurance, God.
Sigh. God’s will. Not always the easiest. But oh the absolute delight, joy, and pleasure that I find in His voice… I NEVER want to be out of His will again.
P.S. My mentor has vetoed ALL the potential guys I’ve presented to her for consideration so far. Then she just said “be patient.” Sigh. Oh well, I’m good at being patient.
P.P.S. My mentor shared that her small group talked about being released from praying certain prayers tonight. Maybe I should ask to be released from praying that Trent and I get back together. I’m going to talk to her more about it tomorrow. I may let you know how that conversation goes.