Hey Guys!  I had a doctor appointment today, my 60-day post-diagnosis complete reevaluation.

For reference, here’s what my results looked like from August 1st:

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Basically, red was bad and needed to be addressed immediately, yellow was ehh, and gray was “don’t need to worry at all about that.”

Now, 60ish days later, all the questions answered again and the results are…

 

Drum roll please…

 

Are you ready?

 

I’m trying to have a big buildup here…

 

You’ve already scrolled past this, haven’t you?

 

Fine.

 

Here they are:

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Mostly “don’t need to worry at all about that’s”!!!!!  (The red line is my wonky digestive system.  He said “stay on the probiotics.”)  Even my depression, which in the numbers assigned to it here was three times the “high priority” level in August, has dropped from 61 to 1.  The doctor showed me, said “these numbers are amazing,” then sat back and said “tell me what you’re doing.”

I said “I’ve been working really hard to get better.  I still exercise 20-30 minutes a day, six days a week, take all the pills you told me to take, been trying to cut back on sugar, I’m religiously thankful, and I’ve got a good support system.”

He said “We’re not going to refill your meds.  Finish what you have, and then you’ll be done.”

Honestly, that worries me a little bit.  I’ve only been on them two months.  What if I relapse?  I shared my concerns with him and he said, “Anessa, basically what happened is you had a severe emotional trauma, and the chemicals in your body just weren’t enough to handle it and recover on their own.  We’ve boosted those chemicals to normal levels, so you should be able to handle life without them now.  And you now know what it feels like when those chemicals start to drop.  If they do, come in again and you can get back on the pills.”

So, yay!  Happy dance?

I’m still a little worried.  Because this week I’m really going to put those stress-handling chemicals to the test:

My grandmother died yesterday.

I start a new job tomorrow.

I have about 50 more pounds of tomatoes to can (down from 150).

A Chopin nocturne to perfect to play at my grandmother’s funeral.

A speech to write for her visitation.

A slideshow of pictures of her to put together for the visitation.

What do I wear to my first day of work?

We have 8-14 people to feed at every meal this week, more towards the weekend.

The guys started harvest today, which is exciting and stressful for everyone.

There are some interesting family dynamics to deal with this week.

The house really needs to be cleaned.

 

Guys.  I just want Trent.

I know, I know, in just my last post I said I didn’t want Trent back.  Logically, I stand by that.  I don’t want him back constantly fearing that I would do to him what his ex-wife did to him just because being with him means moving 14 hours away from my family.  I don’t want him back with me being jealous and depressed about his daughter (I don’t think I would be anymore, for the record – I’m not depressed anymore after all, and I think my jealousy was tied into my depression).

I love my family, I really do, and I would do almost anything for them, but when we’re all together I feel so alone.  Three of my five siblings are married and the other two are in no rush to get married.  All my married siblings are super understanding and don’t rub my face in being single at all.  It grieves me that just their presence makes me feel alone, because I love them and I want to be around them.  When Trent was here I never felt like that.  I had someone.

This week I want someone to be here to hold me when I cry because I’m going to miss my grandma.  I want someone to care about me, to make sure I’m taking care of myself this week, especially with going off my anti-depressants (I have enough left for three days).  I want someone to go on bike rides with every evening.  I want someone to help me pick out what to wear to my first day of work and maybe take me out for lunch so that I don’t have to worry about taking a lunch my first day.  I want someone who wants to hear all about my first day at work, every little detail.  I want someone to be unfailingly cheerful and optimistic with my family when tensions run high.  I want someone who will eagerly help cook for my massive family and help clean the house for all the company coming this weekend.  I want someone to help me can the rest of the tomatoes (and maybe kiss the sore spots on my fingers from cutting up 50+ pounds of tomatoes).  I want someone to sit beside me while I practice piano and tell me how I can improve.  I want someone to give me feedback on my thoughts on what to say at the visitation.  I want someone to help put together a slideshow.  I want someone to go down to the nursing home with my mom (because I’ll be at work) to help her clean out my grandma’s room and pick out what my grandma’s body will be wearing for the funeral.  I want someone who will hold my hand at the graveside as we say the prayers over my grandma’s casket.  I want someone who will casually put his arm around me as we visit with family, quietly supporting and caring.  My family cares, but they have so many other cares too.  I want someone who will care mostly about me.

Trent has flaws, but Trent would be so good at all of that.

Tears are close to the surface this week, and I’m ok with that.  I know it’s grief, not depression, and grief is ok.  I cried today with my mentor when I talked about my inheritance money from my grandma.  She gave it to me earlier this year, because she wanted to see my face when I got it.  It was all cash (so it really wasn’t a massive amount), and she told me not to buy something frivolous (like clothes) with it.  I used some of it to buy Trent’s custom made wedding ring.  The rest of it was going to be his wedding present for our first trip to Disney World, because he loves Disney World.  It wouldn’t have been enough, but it would have gone a long way toward saving for a trip and making wonderful memories together.

I asked my mentor today:

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I’m going to make it through this week just fine, without Trent.  I have God, and God will see me through.  I’d appreciate your prayers though.  It’s an awful lot.

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Posted by:anessamarie

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