Do you like Dove chocolate? I know, silly question. Even those of us who aren’t all gaga for chocolate probably like Dove chocolate. Especially dark chocolate. Mmmm, so good.
Plus, they come with neat sayings on the wrappers, which makes them taste better, in my opinion. I think I still have all the wrappers from all the Dove chocolates I ate in college (it wasn’t that many, sadly).
While cleaning out my grandmother’s room at the nursing home, my mom discovered a bag of Dove dark chocolates. I’ve had three this week, and they were all strangely apropos to the events I was dealing with the day I had them.
Here’s the first:
I ate this chocolate on Tuesday, the day I started my new job.
Oof. Talk about difficult roads. Hehe, almost literally. (My new job involves mapping roads. Little bit of CAD humor there for the engineers who read this blog…)
First off, it’s a good company. Decent money, super nice people to work for/with. They’re all extremely stressed and frustrated, but even then, they’re great to work with. I was at the library for four years. I was always at the bottom of the totem pole, but I was the person who had the most front desk experience by year three. I knew my job and two other librarians’ jobs very well. I don’t know squat at my new job. The stress emanating from everybody is almost palpable. I’ve worked there three days now and I’ve cried all the way home 2/3rds of the days I’ve worked. Yesterday I went straight from work to the funeral home for my grandmother’s visitation, so I cried then too. I had my private moment with Grandma where I told her I was so glad she was at peace, because I’ve been feeling anything but peaceful lately. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Tuesday I was absolutely overwhelmed. I came home, ate the chocolate enclosed in the above wrapper, and took slight hope from it.
Wednesday was worse. I cried my way home, ate the chocolate encased in this wrapper:
and cried for another hour and a half. I went down, way down. I felt like dreaming anything was pointless, regardless of my conscious state. I hated my new job. I was useless there, and all I could do was cry at home. I couldn’t even talk about work without crying. Everything felt hopeless. I looked for new jobs and EVERYTHING looked better to me than what my new job entailed. I told God that once again He was wrong, because I felt like He got me this job and it was obviously very wrong for me. “I can’t handle this level of stress,” I told Him. “What were you thinking, giving me this job?” I wrote a blog post, but my mentor told me not to publish it. It was awfully depressing and I stated several times how absolutely miserable I was. I don’t even want to go back and read it. Cue conversation with my mentor (who I was slightly piqued with for shutting down my depressing blog post):
I was still depressed. And still annoyed with her the next day, Thursday. I texted her again, complaining about my job, telling her that I felt like life would only be about money and I’ve always said that I wasn’t in life for the money. I don’t want to live my life for the goal of making money. I told her I’d rather be poor and happy than rich and miserable. She told me if it was that bad then I should quit. Then she changed the topic to edits on the book I’m writing. I went out and bought myself a pair of headphones over my Thursday lunch break – everyone listens to music there while they’re working, but since there’s six of us in one room, they wear headphones so as not to bother each other. I didn’t have headphones, so I solved that problem. The rest of my lunch break I worked on my book edits.
I don’t know if you’ve realized this, but I really like to write. It satisfies me and gives me such a feeling of purpose and fulfillment (which is lacking so far in my new job). Working on my book over my lunch break soothed my unhappy soul immensely. The rest of the afternoon I listened to K-Love, which made a ton of difference. I had it really low, so I could still hear everything everyone said, but it acted like a filter for all the stress and frustration that had been seeping into my mind for two and a half days. So yeah, I’m going to cling to my positive and encouraging music from here on out.
I got done with work and went to the funeral home. I had my moment of grief with Grandma. Guys, I have been so richly blessed in the grandmother department. I want to write a post dedicated solely to my grandmothers, because I consider myself unusually lucky with grandmothers. Maybe tomorrow or Sunday. Anyway, standing next to her casket yesterday was the last time I cried! I don’t know what it was, but it was like the well of misery and depression ran dry with that cry. I was able to visit with people all evening, I gave a speech that everyone seemed to love and appreciate about how each of the seven grandchildren inherited a special trait from Grandma, I was even able to converse about my job and express what it was that had been making me cry for two days!
This morning I woke up early, even though I could have slept in a little, and talked with God. It was a very good conversation. I told Him I was sorry for blaming Him for my depression and misery. He did get me this job, not because He knew I could handle the stress, but maybe because He wants to be my stress-handler for me. He wants me to be in over my head because that’s when I’ll cling to Him the most. God likes being clung to. And I finally prayed for Trent again. I prayed a lot for him. Like I haven’t done in weeks. Weeks that were filled with spiritual agitation and feeling cut off from God. When you reject what God tells you to do and push Him away, don’t be surprised if He doesn’t feel as close as He once did. You can be all like “Where’d you go, God? I miss you! Come back!” but if you’re not doing what He’s specifically told you to do, hardening your heart and closing your ears because you don’t like what He’s told you to do, don’t be surprised if you don’t hear Him, if you don’t feel Him working.
We talked this morning, and I apologized and asked forgiveness for not doing what He told me to do: pray for Trent. I don’t think God is over him yet, and because God isn’t, I can’t be either. Oh, the peace that ensued in my soul. Wonderful, soul-nourishing peace. Do what He tells you to do. Please. Experience His peace for yourself. Peace doesn’t mean everything is going to go right or all your problems will be solved. Life happens. I buried my grandma today. Peace means that even on hard days, it’ll be alright, inexplicably and supernaturally.
I have so much more to write, but it’s getting late, this is getting long, and I’m really tired. It’s been a big day. I still have one more Dove chocolate wrapper to share with you, but I’ll hopefully get to it tomorrow. Maybe Sunday.