Hey ya’ll, how you doing?
I’ve been better. I still feel fairly awful, and my sexy, smoky voice is now a hoarse whisper. If I watched any creepy horror films I could probably compare myself to some fictional serial killer, but I don’t watch thrillers because my imagination is overactive enough as it is.
God’s been good lately! I mean, He’s always good, but He’s been especially good to me lately. Hm, where to start…
First, my job. I love my job. And to think, only four short weeks ago I was bogged down in the lie that this was a horrible job but I would have to stick it out because I asked for it. I was fighting the lie that everything I want and ask for in life will actually turn out to be miserable. I am so happy to report that that was a lie. I love my job! Warning: I’m going to get all geeky-technical for a while here. I told my mentor when I was job searching that being stuck in a back room by myself entering data onto a computer sounded perfect to me. Sure, it might get boring, but I can handle boring most days. This is just like that, but better!!! I’m entering data onto a computer, but it’s not mind-numbing, it’s mind-engaging. And guys, when all the measurements and fiber sizes and pole numbers and labels and units and remarks are all entered and line up perfectly, oh, it’s so beautiful. I especially love dual cabling. It’s tricky, but if I get it right and everything works, my, how it thrills my soul. Sure, there’s frustrations – just about every time I feel confident that I know what I’m doing and I’m doing it right, someone will tell me something else that needs to be added or changed or that I’m doing something wrong. The sheer number of details can be overwhelming when you look at a whole map, or even a whole staking sheet. But when you simply go pole by pole by house by house and make sure you get every jot and tittle crossed off as you go, it’s fun. I almost got eight sheets done today – one an hour, but the last sheet had just too many houses for me to finish in time. I probably should push a little more, I think we are supposed to have this entire exchange done by Friday, and just today we finished 1/4 of it… Oh well. You get into a rhythm, which is punctuated by questions or laughter from my coworkers. We like to laugh in Optimus. Today the girl next to me and I laughed so hard we cried. Everyone else was laughing too, but for some reason the hilarious comment affected her and I the most.
So yeah, I am very thankful that God got me that job. It’s perfect. I love it. And there are a few potential benefits to it where I could imagine God working it out to make all my dreams come true. We’ll see. We’re not there yet.
Speaking of laughter, God was especially funny yesterday. I woke up in a pretty good mood for a sick Monday. I mean I was sick, not the day. God told me to wear a certain pair of earrings. I told Him that I didn’t think they really went with my outfit, and kind of dismissed the idea. It swirled through my head once or twice more as I was getting ready and it was like, “well, maybe, if I have time.” Then I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth and I saw something I needed to take to my room and God said “Perfect! While you’re there you can put those earrings on!” That made me laugh. He sounded so excited about these earrings. I said “alright God, if it means so much to you.” I went to my room and as I was putting them on I said, “God, I don’t understand why You want me to wear these earrings so bad. I can’t really imagine You doing anything special with a pair of earrings, but if You do, I’ll be the first to give You the glory for it. At any rate, You’ve made me laugh this morning and if that’s all You wanted to do with these earrings, then that’s enough for me.”
No, nothing incredible happened because of the earrings, other than they made me smile all day. We did get company pictures taken yesterday, and my smile may have been a bit bigger because I knew at least from the neck up I looked a little better than normal. I thanked God for prompting me to put those earrings on. He also made a funny as I was packing my lunch. I had a little bottle of honey I took to work with me last week to put in my tea, but I thought I had taken it out of my lunch bag. Nope, it was still there yesterday morning. I thought “honey, sweet!” absentmindedly and He said, “why yes, it is.” That also made me giggle.
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve also become quite fond of writing lately. Like, I. Must. Write. Yesterday I was so intent on getting that blog post out that I may have neglected certain bodily functions for an hour or so. That was a wee bit painful. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. Probably a bit of both. I’ve come to realize that I’m not nearly as good at self care as I thought I was. I didn’t go to Pilates yesterday evening. I now haven’t worked out in over a week. I mean, I go on walks with people almost every break (we lap the building a few times) so that’s something, but not nearly what I was doing. Maybe tomorrow I’ll have more energy. And time. Oh wait, nope, I have an obligation tomorrow night. Hm. Well, at least you’ll get a break from blog posts for one evening…
And in Trent news…
Have I told you I’m a quitter? Like seriously, I have very little stick-to-it power. Trent actually put it down as a “con” when we made our pros and cons lists about each other the last time I was there. Last year, when Trent and I were still relatively fresh, my mom said “I’m just worried that Trent is one of your ‘fads’ – you know, the things you get all interested in for a few months, you’re all gung-ho about it, and then you lose interest. When the excitement of new love fades, is your interest in Trent going to fade too?” I was a little put out by that question/statement, but I couldn’t deny that me losing interest in things hasn’t been a trend in my life.
I know that about me. So the day after, or maybe two days after the break up, I told God “God, if You still want this relationship to happen, then please don’t let my hope die. You keep it alive, because I know that I have problems sticking with stuff.”
It has now been four months since the break up. It has been almost two months since my last direct communication with him. I’ve asked God to take away my hope, to take away my desire for Trent. I’ve begged God to release me from praying the prayer “God, please put Trent and I back together.” Honestly, life would be so much easier for me if we never get back together.
But God won’t give up. And He won’t let me give up either. Whenever I think “I just have to move on, get over Trent.” and sincerely try to, I have no peace. My soul tenses up in knots, I get restless and irritable. When I pray “God, whatever You want. I think it would be better if You released me from this prayer and removed this desire, but I really want what You want. If You want us together, then so be it, and You have to make it happen. And God, please, please, don’t let this desire be initiated from me. God, if this isn’t from You, please take the desire for Trent away completely. If this is what You want, then please grow and strengthen the desire to be with him in me.” the peace is instantaneous. And His peace is the best thing ever, so I guess I’ll keep praying for Trent, asking God to put us back together, asking God to prepare me and my family for the day I’ll leave them.
I have other fears about getting back together. I mean, it’s been four months since I talked to the man. I’ve changed pretty drastically since the day in June I hung up the phone on him (still sorry about that). I’ve been asking God to work in him, and I really don’t know how he’s changed. Would we still be able to be best friends like we were? I posed these questions and fears to my mentor today at lunch and she leaned forward and asked “how do you know it won’t be better than it was?” Wow, better? I mean, I thought it was pretty good. But better? I like the sound of better. I mean, a not-depressed me, a better-ADHD-managed Trent? Yeah. That does sound pretty amazing.
And then today he posted an 8 minute video of him sitting in his living room talking about and showing off his Beanie Baby collection that he acquired while he was a kid. I’d heard about his collection, but he had never shown them to me. I watched the video. All 8 minutes and 37 seconds of it. He made me laugh. The way he embraces his not-normal-ness, and his innocent and childlike heart made me love him even more. My reaction to the video was, “Oh Trent, I love you.” in a tone that conveys that I know exactly how dorky and special he is and I love him because of it. And it was about BEANIE BABIES!!! (Actually, I was surprised to see how many Beanie Babies I recognized. We have a lot more than I realized. Maybe we were closet collecting – like so far into the closet I didn’t even realize we were collectors. But we ripped the tags off all of ours – to us, they were just toys, which means they’re worthless now…)
Anyway, if you go to his YouTube channel (Not Your Normal Guy) and watch the “My Beanie Baby Collection” video, yes, ladies and gentlemen, that is the man I love and long for. It’s a silly video. And I’m proud of him. Still. God has brought me thus far, and He will finish the work He started. To God be all praise and glory!