Hey! I’m still here! No, I haven’t forgotten about you all. Things are just… different now and I feel like I’m still trying to navigate this new world.
Because in this new world there are dreams.
In this new world there are challenges.
In this new world there are possibilities.
For those of you who have been following this blog for any length of time you know that for the last two years I have been rather hung up on a certain fellow, whom I call TM. We were engaged and then he broke up with me on June 26, 2018. My mentor told him shortly after that that was a life-altering event for me; something I would always include in my life story because it affected me so profoundly and she was right. I will never forget what happened then or the nine month battle I fought to regain my life from the grip of deep depression.
Honestly, most of the posts on this blog have been thinly veiled attempts to persuade him to come back, or sharing what God was speaking to me and doing in my life. This post falls into the latter category. I don’t want to leave you wondering, dear reader, or thinking that God is not doing anything because He is. He always is, even in the stillest, most silent times.
There are multiple verses in the Bible about how God is close to the brokenhearted, how those who mourn shall be comforted, and it is so true. I have been so incredibly blessed by God’s presence and closeness during the last nine months. I have never felt so close to God as I did during that time. I have never heard His voice so clearly or consistently as I did during those dark days. It was a precious gift, the best I have ever or will ever receive.
I know I’m using the past tense a lot, but that’s not meaning that I don’t still hear God’s voice. I do. Just not as often and not as clear, which is alright. I have complete confidence that God is no more distant than He was eight months ago as He is eight seconds from now. He is still my constant Companion, the Healer of my heart and mind, and the Source of all the blessings in my life. He has led me through the wilderness of the past nine months and I know that while I’m still on the journey to my eternal home with Him, He will never leave me.
I haven’t written in a while because I wanted to be sure that what I was feeling and experiencing would stick. I am notorious for giving up, for going back, for relapsing, if you will. So I don’t quite trust myself. But it’s been a month now, and my feelings haven’t changed, so we’re going with it. About a month ago I was in the midst of a time of unusually irregular church attendance. One thing or another meant that I only attended one worship service in the month of February, which is very out of the ordinary for me. But in that one service I went to, God said, “Anessa, it’s time. Give TM to me.” An image of me cradling a toddler popped into my head and when God spoke to me I lifted him up and passed him over to God. There was an immediate lightening of my spirit. But I still cared, still thought that maybe there was possibility of change in that relationship.
A few months ago my mother and I were discussing TM and what God’s will for us was. She suggested that I pray for a wall that I couldn’t get over if this was not God’s will for me. So I did. I prayed for months and no wall appeared. After that Sunday one did in the form of an article on Facebook about a certain personality disorder. Now, I do not for one minute believe that TM has a personality disorder but I believe that exposure to one has allowed him to borrow certain behaviors as a protective measure against pain and hurt. Realizing that was enough to make me back way off. I have witnessed the effects of such behaviors and I have seen just enough to know that that is not what would be best for me (or anyone really, but I’m mostly concerned about me most of the time, if I’m honest).
But still, I cared. Finally, there was a conversation I witnessed between TM and a friend of his on Facebook. Bluntly put, it was a flirtfest. I vented to my mentor the evening that I read it and I went to bed kind of mad. I woke up the next morning thinking about a man and it wasn’t TM. He was a mystery man, someone I’d seen a few times in the past two years and always wondered about. Wondered about to the point of trying to find out who he was once after the breakup, but then I was still mostly concerned about TM so I didn’t put much effort into it. That morning I couldn’t get the mystery man out of my mind and so I laid in bed and put my incredible stalking skills to good use (my mentor calls them “investigative skills”). I solved the mystery and figured out who he was.
And that’s all I did (ok, full disclosure: I did take my mentor to the place where I had seen him before so she could possibly see him. She did. That’s it). I don’t even know if he’s single or not. Yes, I know how I could find out. No, I’m not going to use those channels to find out. I’m not going to go chasing after anyone right now. Chasing men usually turns out very badly for me. I’m in no hurry. I do have a plan, because I’m me and I always have a plan, but it doesn’t depend solely on me and so it is very possible that it won’t happen. I definitely know that it won’t happen according to my plan, because life never goes according to my plan and that’s ok.
But that morning, when I felt like the final link was severed in my heart and mind towards TM, it was like God had put that other man in my head and was saying, “Look Anessa, he’s not the only one who could potentially match everything on your ‘Criteria for a Husband’ list. There are other possibilities.” I am excited about the possibilities.
I’m shifting into a slightly different position at work. My project leader is moving to a different department and while I was not selected to be the next project leader, I will be more officially assisting the new project leader. I’m completely fine with that because I’ve seen all the stress that position brings and while I’m happy to alleviate what I can, I’m glad it won’t be all on me. If life goes according to plan, I’ll have enough stress of my own come this fall.
There have been other breakthroughs in my life regarding my physical condition. I may go more in depth about it in another post, because I think the link between hormones and depression isn’t talked about enough, but I don’t think this is the right post for a discussion about that. Suffice it to say, I’m now feeling not depressed about 95% of the time, which is huge and wonderful and fabulous and incredible and miraculous and I never want to go back the way I was even before the breakup.
I do feel like I need to be vigilant – to watch my thoughts carefully in case it ever starts seeping back into depression mode. I have decided to have a monthly therapy session just to make sure that that doesn’t happen. The frequency may change in the future but for now that’s what I feel comfortable with.
And then there’s my dreams for my future. I am dreaming big and crazy dreams right now. Dreams that cannot happen on my own. I can’t wait to see how God is going to blow my dreams away with His dreams for me because His dreams are the best dreams.
Aaaand now I’ve said “dream” too many times and it’s all weird…