My dear friends whom I haven’t really talked to in months (I’m sorry!), how are you?
Today is the one year anniversary of the break up that changed my life forever. I’ve also referred to it as the “breakiversary” but I’m not feeling that negative, so we’re going with the more positive terminology.
A year ago I was devastated by the actions of a man. A week after that action and after calling the national suicide hotline I would be diagnosed with dysthemic depression: chronic depression characterized by mild depression lasting for longer than two years. It was estimated that I’d been dealing with it for at least 20 years. I fought so hard, both to win him back and beat back the depression that had been controlling my life for far too long.
I was not successful on one front, I was very successful on the other front.
I’m still single. I LOVE that that fact doesn’t bother me nearly as much as it used to. I don’t feel desperate for a relationship. I’m interested, of course, and there are possibilities for relationships in my life, but I’m very content to wait and trust God. I saw a quote on Pinterest that I loved but I foolishly didn’t pin and it haunts me and now I can’t find it again. It was about focusing on the things you can make happen: job success, healthy living, your own happiness, and letting go of the things you can’t make happen: relationships, (there were more, but that’s the one that stuck out to me and I can’t remember the rest. Moral of the story: PIN the PIN!). I can’t make anyone like me or love me. That is a God thing. And since God is so much better than me at everything, and given the way He’s carried me this whole year, He’s got this and I don’t have to stress out about it.
I’ve got my family and my job. I love them both. They both challenge me in different ways. On the advice of my therapist and mentor (yes, I still see my therapist once a month for a mental wellness check and I have lunch with my mentor once a week for general life help) I took today off work. So I got to have a sleepover with my niece and nephew. It was lovely waking up and looking over to see their sweet peaceful faces. Later today I’m going to hopefully get a massage, a bit of extravagant self-love for me, and then I’m probably going to go into work for a few hours anyway, because I really do love my job. I’ve worked hard at it and God has blessed me. I’m now a project lead, which means that about 12 people report to me. My bosses are fantastic and I love working with them and learning from them.
Guys, a year ago I thought life was over. A year ago I wanted life to be over. I could not have imagined a year ago that life would be this good now. I am so wonderfully blessed. Yes, I still fight depression everyday, but I do not feel depressed at all anymore. I’ve learned to identify my emotions so that I can tell the difference between when I’m grieving (I have lost a lot this year), when I’m angry (apparently I get really mad when I see injustice), when I’m tired (some tv shows and books are worth losing that much sleep), and when I’m depressed (very rare feeling these days). I still take 10 pills every morning and spend a lot of money every other month to get those pills. I don’t mind. I like feeling this good and if that’s what it takes to maintain that I will gladly shell out the money and take the pills. I still put oil in my diffuser every night and sleep so much better because of it. I still write in my thankfulness journal every night and wake up every morning thanking God for His beautiful sunrise I see on the way to work.
My year has been so good mainly because of God. At first, when I was in the depths of despair and completely brokenhearted, He was right there. I heard His voice almost every day. That’s tapered off, and now I’m close to Him not because I’m brokenhearted, but because I want to be. I still need God desperately, but that’s taken a backseat to desiring God desperately. I still see Him working everyday in so many ways. I am nothing without God, and He is my everything.
I read these verses this morning in my devotions and they are perfect for today:
“Praise be to the LORD, for He has heard my cry for mercy. The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to Him in song.” Psalm 28:6-7
If you are in a place today where you don’t think life will get better and you don’t want to keep living anymore, trust me, I’ve been there. I’m also here, a year later, where life is so much better than I ever imagined. Is it everything I’ve always hoped and dreamed for? Nope. Not remotely. It’s so much better than that.